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The other day as I was meditating and spending time with the Lord, He revealed to me that I was walking around the same mountain over and over again in a wilderness. He told me that once I turn my dependence solely to Him in this “area,” I will then be able to go into the promise land and be delivered. In my mind I saw picture of myself going in circles around the base of this mountain. I kept coming to a point where I could see into the promise land (catch a glimpse of it), but then I would continue around the mountain like on an amusement park ride. It looked and felt like I had no control over where I was going, my eyes were fixed on the promise land and my heart yearned to go into it, but soon it was only a fading scene in the distance behind me as I rounded the mountain again. It is obvious now, at least to me, that I am not learning something I should have learned a LONG time ago (hence, the going in circles until I get it). He has really been working on/speaking to me about putting Him first in ALL things and at all times. Is this my “lesson” and “area” or is this the key I need to learn it?

The following day after the mountain revelation, the Lord showed me that I was eating unconsciously/without thought and that this was an attempt to fill a void inside me. (Everyone has a void that must be filled…keep reading to see what/Who should fill the void in our heart and lives.) Each time I begin a new “pressing in” period with the Lord, my diet and exercise and overall health routine fall into place. But then life gets busy or I get sick and/or worn-out and I start to cut my quiet devotion time with the Lord shorter, until eventually I cut it out all together some days (“no time”) – this is when I begin to try and backfill the void or emptiness I feel with food.

I begin to “feel” the Lord calling me back and I try to get-up early enough to spend some quality devotional time with Him (and I fail). Each time I fail to get-up in the morning, the enemy uses it to create guilt and condemnation inside of me. The more guilt I feel, the more I try in my flesh to “succeed”, but I just continue to fail without the strength of the Lord. The guilt and condemnation I feel continues to grow, enlarging the void I feel inside. My self-worth diminishes, because I no longer look to Christ for it, I look to my flesh. This is a never ending cycle in the flesh – one that can ONLY be broken and reversed through repentance and the grace of the Lord, by His Spirit.

As the enemy creates condemnation within us, we put up our old veil to “hide” from the Lord, just as Adam and Eve did in the garden. But God calls us out to us, desiring to cover us with His grace…But we must come to Him to be covered and made new and be given a new beginning.

I am now seeing how easy it was to eat while doing other things. There is no time lost (I am really good at multi-tasking), but it is only a temporary fulfillment of my flesh. The Lord is the only one/thing that can fill my void and truly satisfy me. Once again I have repented and am beginning fresh, removing my veil daily and putting the Lord first in my life. I have learned it is never about a problem with “something” (mine is food usually), it is ALWAYS about a heart condition before the Lord! When I feel the check and pull of the Spirit, I need to stop immediately and re-align myself with Him, everything else will either fall into its proper place or it will fall away. If it falls away, it never had a proper place in my heart or my life.

It’s all about the condition of the heart.

This morning my eleven year old son asked why most families “had a divorce”. My immediate response was the usual one, which is that most people don’t want to stick with it when it gets hard and hurts. I tried to go on to explain that we have to love the Lord more, but I lost his interest by that time. Then as we were sitting in our quiet time during worship, listening for the Lord to speak to us, I felt the Lord tell me that it was due to “selfishness” that so many families are broken by divorce.

    All sin comes out of our selfishness. It is our “self centered-ness”, rather than “Christ Centered-ness”, that results in our sin. Our flesh is what causes us to wear our feelings on our sleeves and get our emotions hurt in relationships. When we focus on ourselves and our own interests, rather than those of the Lord and/or our spouse, we open the door to our flesh and the enemy. In order for ANY relationship to work (including our relationship with the Lord), we must put others before ourselves. We must die to “self” to walk in Christ, and love unselfishly, in Godly love. Our flesh will cry out for satisfaction, but it is the Spirit that we must submit to and satisfy.

    Our flesh cries out to be justified and be “right.” We must lay down our flesh at the feet of the Lord, along with our “right to be right.” The Lord will justify us according to His will, not ours. We need to know we are right with Him, and He will justify us with men, including our spouse. This was a very hard lesson I graduated from after years of “going around the mountain”. Along with my “right to be right,” I had to lay down my “right to be heard and understood,” even if I was wrong. Sometimes I think the second lesson was harder than the first, but the last bit of those “rights” were laid at the foot of the cross and the burden is no longer mine to bear.

    It is amazing how much weight those rights had to them. When we give lives over to the Lord, we are to lay all of our “rights” down at His feet. We know this in our “head,” but how long does it take for the heart to obey? The timing is different for each believer and disciple of Christ. Some may lay it down all at once first thing, and for others it is a process with many phases or layers like an onion. Each one must be peeled individually to expose the new “flesh” to be dealt with. With each new layer comes a new death and another VICTORY!!! I know I am not the same person today I was last year, last month, or even last week. I pray I continue to grow in the Spirit and surrender more each day.

    The last week was a hard one for my flesh. My injuries from my accident a year ago were acting up, and my flesh came out through my pain. I realized how much of my flesh was still alive in me and how much I truly needed the Grace of the Lord in my life. My flesh is very weak, but my Spirit is strong. But in order for me to draw strength from the Spirit, I need to be in prayer and devotions. I have to admit that during my time of weakness, it was neither prayer nor devotion time that my flesh was seeking. Instead, I “needed to” sleep late to heal my body, and I snapped at my family unnecessarily because I didn’t feel good. But by his Grace I kept pushing through and asking for forgiveness and strength, holding onto Him and knowing it would get better.

    I think I have made it through this period of ‘re-cycling’ as my doctor calls it, when my injuries seem to get worse for a short period of time, before rebounding back to a more stable point of recovery. And through it I have been reminded of how weak my flesh truly is and how much I need His Grace DAILY in my life.